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The Queen Team Returns!

We’re revisiting the very early days of Gay League when that snarky little group of queer comic nerds posting on the original DC message boards twenty five years ago called themselves the Queen Team! You can catch up with their rants and raves in part one!

Another shout out to Sarah Frank for her super fun Queen Team art featured above! More of Frank’s work can be seen at LookMomDraws!

4-22-97
from:Biggerscot

Exerpt from an article in the Daily Planet dated May 1,2997. Twiwa Chang reporting from the planet Gaibarr.

“Choosing a new member is a big responsibility. I’m surprized the girls let me do this by myself.” Insect Queen said as she polished her bio-ring and looked out over the crowd of applicants. “Is there some sort of dress code on the planet? All these queens have on the same uniform? Oh well. Who’s first?”

The first hopeful stepped up and said, “Hi. I’m called Size Queen. My power is to detect people with size-changing powers like Leviathan.” Suddenly another queen shouted, “Hey! I’m Size Queen and my power is to detect…..” Another squealed, “No! I’m Size Queen!” Soon the whole place was yelling.

Insect Queen looked confused and asked, “Are you all Size Queens?” They nodded. “And you all have the power to detect size-changers?” One yelled, “I met this one colossal boy who….” Another interjected, “That’s nothing I once….umm….sensed this Durlan who….”

Insect Queen asked, “But can you detect people from Imsk?” A chorus of screeches sounded and several Size Queens fainted. One shuddered and said, “Ugh, don’t even JOKE about that.” Another said, “Once, just to be polite….. oh it was terrible.”

Suddenly an urgent message from Insect Queen’s tiara. I asked her if she should answer it. “I’m screening my calls,” she answered. I told her I thought it sounded serious. “Chicken Hawk, Schmicken Hawk, I’m busy. Okay Queens, I’d like to see a demostration of your powers.” With that a herd of Size Queens turned their attention on Insect Queen. Two of the queens fainted (again) and the others muttered such things as “what a disappointment” and “I thought super-heroes would be, you know, larger than life.” Then a chant of “We want Calorie Queen!” started up. Insect Queen said, “That’s it. I’m out of here. Where was that emergency? Atlantis Dome? Stupid tryouts! This is the 5th planet I’ve been to and the only queens I find are those size queens. They are everywhere! WELL I CAN’T HELP IT IF I SHRINK TO INSECT SIZE!!! I wish they’d just get over that! I have other qualities sob. Calorie Queen. CALORIE QUEEN! I am so sick of everyone wanting her. Oh, she’s the strong one. She’s the one the Size Queens want to meet. Yeah, well, I think she’s a big…. umm…. this is off the record, isn’t it? Oh, well, umm, I think she’s a big…. ah….. umm….. hearted…. umm…. queen who inspires love in everyone. Yeah. that’s it.”

With that, we began our journey back to Earth….

4-25-97
from:NNancyDrew

recording–

Clinging desperately to the outside of the Atlantis Dome, breathing what I thought was our last drop of oxygen, Chicken Hawk burst thru the Dome still dripping with the remains of my honey-flow. Jan took careful aim and transmuted the thick gold chains around Chicken Hawk’s neck into a lead helmet that sent him sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Closet Queen’s attention was distracted however with the lead-helmet creation and our oxygen bubble vanished. I took Jan’s hand in mine, wishing that I had said all those things I never got the chance to tell him. Just as the blackness started to settle in and I thought of joining the other fallen Legionnaires, I saw her in the distance. The most beautiful sight–Water Beetle Babe! She propelled towards us and captured us in her forward pincers. Using the propulsion force from our flight bracelets, we rocketed towards the surface.

On the flight back, Insect Queen filled me in on Calorie Queen’s behavior on Gaibarr, and how she ignored my calls for help. Just wait til that menu-munching witch needs to borrow my silver mules the next time we go clubbing! As soon as we get back, I’m heading to the kitchen to see what Tenzil and I can cook up for her!

With Chicken Hawk nothing more than Chicken of the Sea, hopefully Jan will be less distracted and will come to terms with his true self. I’ve already come up with his new code name, Alchemissy. As soon as I serve Calorie Queen her just desserts, I’m stopping by Jan’s room. Our 20,000 Leagues under the sea adventure ruined my new dress; maybe Jan would like to go shopping…

4-26-97
from:SaturnMike

Fellow Queens:

Sorry to hear of your distress,Queen Bee. Call for the Subs or the other queens–my team is with this awful Prince Evillo. This goodwill tour is turning out to be a real drag! We arrived at his palace, and he placed the others under house arrest, while I was to be his personal guest at a banquet. I tried probing his mind, but to no avail. He had a strong psi-sheild, not to mention the stinkiest breath! Trouble may be brewing, but at least I know the others are okay. I can hear Drama Queen moaning about the humidity in the dungeon. I’m maintaining a rapport with Clairol Queen, and hopefully we’ll make it out of this jam okay….

Saturn Queen

4-27-97
from:Biggerscot

Just a few explanitory notes:

When I was quoted as saying,”If Saturn Queen doesn’t like my little love bites as Bedbug Beauty,then she can kiss my thorax,” what I really meant was…. umm…. she can kiss me anytime she wants because I love her so much.
What I meant when I said about Queen Bee, “Jan was able to style her hair by making it even more wiry” was that…. ummm….. I’m sure Alchemissy was able to bring out those beautiful copppery highlights.
What I meant when I said Calorie Queen ignored Queen Bee’s call to hang out with those stupid size queens was…. umm…. she…. ah…. DON’T HURT ME! I was weak. You don’t know what it’s like having unsightly leg hair that’s only good for carrying air bubbles as Diving Belle Spider or pollen as Honey Bee Honey. Have you ever tried to put on a pair of hose over an exoskeleton? Not to mention having to put on twice as many pairs. Are you buying this? Would it help to mention that I have the proportional strength of a spider and can defend myself? No? How about an ant? Moth? You’ve seen Mothra attack Japan, haven’t you? Ah, forget it. Go ahead and kick my butt, er, abdomen.
Insect Queen,
who is rapidly losing her status as social butterfly.

5-2-97
from:Biggerscot

Dear Diary,

This has not been a good day. First my tiara kept spewing out “I don’t think that I can take it, cuz it took so long to bake it.” Well, I don’t think I can take it. Of course, it was the Queen Mum giving me another mission. At first I was going to tell her I was busy making my dress for Vi’s wedding. (It’s going to take forever to pull that much silk out of my butt.) But then she mentioned that Calorie Queen was “spittin’ mad” about what I told Queen Bee. That didn’t sound very healthy, so I decided to accept the mission. (Wait until I get my mandibles on that gabby Queen Bee. Who would have thought that queens could be such gossips?) Anyway. little did I know what I was getting into. Mum told me I was to escort Jan back to the Atlantis Dome!

“But we just came back from the Atlantis Dome,” I protested.

From behind me, I heard Jan say, “I want to erect a monument on the spot where Chicken Hawk died.”

“Grife! You’ve already covered Trom with crystals. What is your obsession with erections?!”

“It’s part of my religion, if you must know,” the little creep added, “What I want to know is how you could have had both Star Boy and Superboy as boyfriends and now you can’t get a date to save…..”

I was just about to change into L’Assassin Bug and teach Jan some manners when Queen Mother reminded me that we queens support diversity in religion (and that Calorie Queen was in the Palace!)

Our flight to the Dome was uneventful. Too uneventful. Why couldn’t I have been tucked into that cramped cabin with Evolvo Lad in his hairy ape form? Now there’s a man. Well, ape anyway.

We slipped into our transsuits and swam to the spot where Chicked Hawk sunk to his death. Suddenly, to our surprise we were attacked by none other than CHICKEN HAWK!

“I thought you sank to your doom,” I said.

He laughed his evil laugh and said, “Fools! Don’t you know lead is only slightly heavier than gold. I only pretended to sink because I sensed your Queenjet approaching and thought there might be too many Queens for me to take (like there are at Happy Hour). Well, that, and my ensemble was ruined.”

I asked Jan about this and he said, “I would have created a denser element but most of them are radioactive and dangerous. It’s against my religion to create anything that might…..”

“What are you, a fanatic?!” I yelled “Turn him into helium! You can’t have anything against helium.”

“My religion prohibits me from intentionally killing,” she said smugly.

So I said,” What kind of crazy religion is this? Why can’t you have a sensible religion like Valor-worship. At least if worshipped a Daxamite you wouldn’t be screwing around making lead.”

“why do I have to do anything?” Jan asked.”Can’t you have the proportional strength of a spider?”

“Didn’t you say Chicken Hawk tore through your inertron shield?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever seen a spider tear through a sheet of aluminum?”

“Well, no.”

“Do the math, Missy, ” I said and turned into Backswimmer Babe, grabbed Jan, and with one big “swish!” sound zoomed out of harm’s way. I knew we couldn’t keep swimming and I was afraid surfacing would give the Hawk the advantage – so I took a chance. I slipped out of my transsuit, changed into Diving Belle Spider, and quickly shaped an airtight little room from seaweed and webbing. Jan transformed the water in the room into air. I figured we couldn’t beat Chicken Hawk in a fight so we’d just have to destroy his reason for attacking us, namely JAN. No, as much as I wanted to ditch the punk, I decided a more clever plan. I sprayed my webbing on Jan’s face, not quite enough to suffocate her, but enough to make a cute beard. Then I switched to Sister Stinkbug and sprayed her with a noxious odor. Bwahaha.

No sooner did I finish than Chicken Hawk ripped into our little diving bell.

Time for bed, diary. I’ll finish later!

5-7-97
from: SaturnMike

Dear Queens:

I hope the telepatic earrings are receiving this message, as my away team of Dairy Queen, Drama Queen, Clairol Queen and Quiker Quip Queen (or Quick Quip Queen II–more on her later!) are floating somewhere in limbo between worlds. What a time we’ve been having! All I can say is this mission better earn me at LEAST a nomination for leader!

Last time I reported in, Prince stinky breath Evillo made me have dinner with him while the others were imprisoned. Not that I didn’t mind haaving Drama Queen gagged for a small period of time… Grife! If I hear one more moan about no more margarita mix left on the ship, I will pull her nipple hair off one strand at a time! Anyway,where was I? Oh. This Evillo character was not what I would call nemesis-material. He was quite an idiot. He thought we were the old 20th century rock group Queen–and no matter how many times I probed him–either gently or a hard blast to the head–he didn’t get it. He said we were to perform at the Royal Banquet, or be shackled in his dungeon forever. I like whips and chains as much as the next girl, but this guy was too much! We whipped up some costumes (okay we wore our underwear and pasted stars on our nipples! It wasn’t the team’s proudest moment!) and after a (dare I say it?) rousing chorus of “We Will Rock You”, we made our escape!

Dairy Queen distracted the guards with the most scrumpdillicious peanut buster parfaits, while Drama Queen turned away droves of foes with a reinactment of the funeral scene from “Steel Magnolias.” As I scanned the crowd for allies, Clairol Queen began to succumb to her own noxious Aqua-Net fumes! What a time for her weapon to be a hindrance! She stumbled around, and I could barely hold her upright when I heard a throaty — yes, whiskey-voiced — “Jeez, Sue Ellen! Can’t hold the liqour tonight?” Gasp! Quick Quip Queen–alive?! “Nah, just her long lost twin sister. I got the same sharp tongue, though.”

“We need to part this crowd to get to our cruiser, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this scene! Being Daryl Hannah saps all my strength!” Drama Queen shreiked, hands thrust into the air.

“Honey,with that big ass, you could back up and part the Red Sea,” snapped Quick Quip Queen II, and she ran ahead of us, barking out insults and shoving leering folks aside with sneers and gestures. It was like watching Forrest Gump….. only a really MEAN Forrest Gump, and I was her Jenny, encouraging with shouts of “Run, Quick Quip Queen! Run! Oops! Don’t break your other heel! Look out for that baby carriage! Please Don’t Eat the Daisies!” The whole team was on fire with courage as we barely escaped the planet without doing an encore of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Sponging off in the cockpit, I realized our console had been tampered with! Damn that Evillo! He’d set a course for Limbo, where we are currently trapped. I’m hoping to get us home soon, and pray I don’t bludgeon Drama Queen with his make-shift Oscar statue. (He’s become delusional–he doesn’t realize it isn’t an Academy Award, but rather a petrified Dilly Bar Dairy Queen made.) One more night of him enacting the death-bed scene from “Fried GreenTomatoes” and Queen Code be hanged!!!

Saturn Queen

5-8-97
from:Biggerscot

Dear Diary,

Had a nightmare that my entire history of dating Superboy and Star Boy had been erased and that no one remembered me except a few geeks who had nothing better to do than read old comics. I hate that dream.

Anyway, back to my harrowoing story. Chicken Hawk used his talons to rip into my underwater hideout, but I figured we were prepared. I stood confidently and asked,”And just what do you want?”

“I want the kid! Hand him over or I’ll tear you apart.”

“You don’t want him,” I explained. “Just look how mature he looks with that beard. Blech.”

Chicken Hawk laughed and said,”You don’t really expect me to fall for that fake beard, do you? Besides, the braids look kind of cute.”

“Braids? What braids? I didn’t…” I looked at Jan and found the little queen had woven his beard into a series of Bo Derek cornrows and had even tipped each braid with little gems. Quite fetching, but it ruined the maturing effect I was hoping would turn off the Hawk, but I still had confidence in my second plan and said, “Okay, but what about the stench? Jan has worse B.O. than Valor after spending 1000 years in the same bland outfit.”

The Hawk chuckled again and said, “Haven’t you read my personals ad? ‘GWM into feathers, chicken and scat.'”

“Scat?” Miss naivete of Trom 2997 asked. “Is he into Ella Fitzgerald?”

“Either that,” I responded, “or we’re in deep doo-doo!”

“You’re in deep doo-doo,” Chicken Hawk snickered.

I realized that it was time to change into Praying Womantis and engage in hand to hand combat or just hand over Jan. I remembered Queen Bee’s crush on the little blonde number and decided I didn’t need another Queen mad at me, so with a wish and a little help from my Bio-ring, I lunged at the Hawk with clawed forearms.

“You are absolutely the worst recurring villian ever,” I told him as he fended off my rapidly flashing claws. “I can’t believe I’ve been reduced to fighting poultry with hormonal problems.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t believe I’m fighting someone called Insect Queen who turns into arachnids!”

I hate when people say that. Like Arthopod Queen sounds cool. Sheesh.

As you might have guessed, even with the proportional strength and speed of a Praying Mantis, I was soon overpowered by the deadly Chicken Hawk. My powers just weren’t the type that would defeat him. Fortunately for me I was saved by….

Gotta go, Diary. Something about going to Limbo. Ugh. I haven’t even pulled the sleeves of my dress out of my butt yet. If this ruins how I look at Teenie Queenie’s wedding, I’m joining the Legion of Super-Regicides.

5-9-97
from:NNancyDrew

I was having the most wonderful day. I had found a Julie Andrews laser disc in the old Earth archives I hadn’t heard yet, so while listening to that, I spent the morning practicing my skills. I was focusing the power of my honey flow. I was able to shape the most darling amber earrings from the densest honey I could form. I slipped them into my ears, and wondered the way they brought out the strawberry highlights in my hair. That was when I decided to tell Jan about my true feelings for him. Julie was not the only one who felt as if she “could have danced all night.” I walked to Jan’s room only to find him…. gone. I searched for Saturn Queen to see if she could pick up his thoughts, but found that she was still on that Evillo mission. Feeling depressed, I thought maybe Dairy Queen could whip me up a triple threat chocolate sundae, but Quickie Queen told me she, too, was on the Evillo mission. Although I still wasn’t talking to that size-on-my-mind Calorie Queen, I decided to ask her if she knew where Jan was. Although still freakishly bloated from that “home made” meal I made for her, she was able to give me some information with a wicked gleam in her eye. Jan had gone off with INSECT QUEEN! First Calorie Queen leaves me to die at the bottom of the ocean, now Lana takes off with my man! What kind of team devotion was this? I though we were all FAMILY? With tears in my eyes, I stumbled on my stilettos back to my room. Crying on my bed, how I wished Drama Queen was here to console me. It was then that a strange sphere began to form in the corner of my room. I was bathed in the warmest green glow, and I heard the most comforting words in my ear, like a mother’s whisper before going to sleep….Eye understand, my darling, Eye understand….Hush now. Everything will be all right. Eye’m here………….”

5-11-97
from:Biggerscot

Dear Diary,

Let’s see. Where was I? Oh yeah. Praying Womantis, that religious nut job Alchemissy, and Chicken Hawk about to rip out my thorax. His horrible talons were inching toward my exoskeleton and all I could think of was that I would never be able to apologize to Queen Bee and Calorie Queen for all my selfish behavior. Well, that and that those talons would look better with red nail polish on them. Nothing as gaudy as, say “Jungle Red”, but a softer, rosier shade closer to pink. Not pink, just pinkish. And nothing too shiny either. The talons were long enough to draw attention to themselves without the extra shine making them the only thing you notice in his entire ensemble. I was just getting ready to suggest a cute, little dusty rose shade I happened to have in my vanity case on the Queenjet and he was just getting ready to kill me when I heard someone say, “I’ll bet you’d love to rip her to shreds.”

It was the Queen of Denial!

“Um. No. I just….umm.” Chicken Hawk said as his death grip relaxed.

“Sure you would,” said Cleo,”we all would.”

I was just getting ready to tell her to bite my ovipositor when I noticed that Chicken Hawk was backing away.

“No, really. Nothing could be further from my mind. In fact, I rather like Insect Queen.”

Queen of Denial grinned slightly,”C’mon. You hate her. You like Jan.”

“Oh, no,” Chicken Hawk protested too much.”Jan isn’t my type at all. Blech. I can barely stand to look in her direction. UUUUUUGLY! Well, umm, I’ve got to get going. Um,good-bye.” And off he went!

“Cleo!” I said, “where did you come from?”

“I was in the Queenjet with you all along,” she explained.

“No, you weren’t”

“Yes I was,” she said. ” I used my power to make you deny my presense so you wouldn’t notice me.”

“No, you didn’t” I said.

“Yes, I did. After your diasterous recruiting mission, the Queen Mother wasn’t sure you could be trusted with a mission of your own, so she sent my along secretly.”

“No, she didn’t”

“Yes she did. And it’s a good thing, too. You really ‘loused’ this one up, too.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did. If I hadn’t used my power to make Chicken hawk deny his hate for you and his attraction to Alchemissy, he was going to kill you and take Jan.”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“Will you stop that?! I am not using my power on you!! You are the most annoying Queen I’ve ever met!”

“No, I’m not.”

“AAAARGH!” she screamed and swam back to the Queenjet, leaving me with Miss Holier than Thou.

“Well, I hope you’re satisfied,” I told her. “Look at all the trouble you’ve caused.”

“What can I do?” Jan asked. “And why did Chicken Hawk leave? You know, I’m beginning to think he’s kinda cute.”

Believe me, Diary, if it weren’t for my sis….I mean my teammate Queen Bee, I’d have changed into Wasp Woman, paralyzed him, and fed him to my young.

April 22, 2022
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