We’re revisiting the very early days of Gay League when that snarky little group of queer comic nerds posting on the original DC message boards twenty five years ago called themselves the Queen Team! You can catch up with their rants and raves in part one and part two!
Another shout out to Sarah Frank for her super fun Queen Team art featured above! More of Frank’s work can be seen at LookMomDraws!
EARLY MESSAGE BOARD POSTS PART III
Being here in limbo is quite the experience. We finally got Drama Queen to calm down with two…three…ok, nineteen martinis, and told her to pretend she was starring in a new version of “Coma.” Although, snickering, the other Queens and I had to play along in the roles of doctors, Drama Queen is sleeping in the cargo bay next to a stray we picked up–he’s made of stone. I’ve heard of keeping a man hard, but this guy’s ridiculous. We drifted near a planet and could see some people flying around. I could sense a lot of hostility, so we steered clear of it. One African American named Tyroc was really P.O.’ed and demanded to be brought back into continuity–whatever that is–and so did this “Dawnstar” and a super-monkey. A super monkey, can you imagine?! I tell you , this limbo is crazy.
Still in limbo–someone PLEASE try to find us! Up to my elbows in boredom! We’ve been debating whether or not to awaken Drama Queen; she stirred momentarily and wanted to act out a scene from “One Day at a Time,” one where McKenzie Phillips realizes she’s not being treated like an adult and slams into her bedroom–anyway, I digress…… one good boot to the head solved that anyway, so I’m brooding.
A group called the Blasters just flew by again. What an annoying group, and so poorly drawn! I was about to break that snapping geek’s fingers off, when I realized…. I’m becoming abusive! The other queens have noticed my irritability before and blown it off. Hell,next to Drama Queen everyone seems level-headed.
I think I have SPACE FATIGUE!* I only hope no one starts a mutiny…
Was that the Super-Moby Dick of Outer Space floating by?
(*see ADVENTURE COMICS #318–or Legion Amendment 5. Oh God! My messages have editor’s footnotes! I really AM in limbo!)
Calling Saturn Queen!
I have received your distress call and am rallying a response team! I think the problem is more severe than you realize. I believe your mental powers are broadcasting Drama Queen’s Soap Opera Dreams into your teammates, and they are all reliving horrible Reagan-era television. Didn’t you remember to bring any radioactive material from the rings of saturn with you? You know that is the only thing that can keep Saturnian Telepathy in check! Perhaps if you put Clairol Queen into orbit around your ship; that would have a modifying effect. Or maybe Drama Queen can be trained to broadcast Masterpiece Theater. Will let you know if I meet with any success with the other Queens, but the situation is doubtful.
I…. I just don’t know if I can go back into Limbo. All those years I spent there with nothing to do but pine away over Superboy. Hey, wait a minute. Isn’t Superboy in limbo now? HA! How do you like that? Now he’s in Limbo and I’m a regular in one of the best-selling books. Well, semi-regular. But hell, I’m not in limbo. And if Superboy thinks I’m going to hook up with a loser like him… who doesn’t even have his own book, he’s got another thing coming! HA! HA! HA! Mr. Boy of tomorrow even had his TV show cancelled. Now he’s in Limbo and I’m a STAR! Should have kissed up to me when you had the chance, Boy of Steel, but noooooo. You had to wait for that tart, Lois Lane. Yeah, I’ll bet she’s looking to revive your career. HA HA HA! You know, I can’t wait to get to Limbo just so I can rub his face in it.
Insect Queen (aka Nymph Nymph, Soon to be the Star of her own mini-series Lass, Twelve-Spotted Cucumber beetle, Don’t Ask About the Cucumber Girl, Painted Lady Lady (a painted lady is a type of butterfly, not a whore. Watch it.), Black (with string of pearls) Fly Girl, Soon To Be Making Superboy SOOOOOO Jealous Queen. BWAAHAHAHAHA!)
Dairy Queen is churning butter and things are calmer. She has that home-town effect on others. She was reciting recipes aloud and talking about an ice cream social down at the old church, and it soothed my fevered brow. Drama Queen was actually quite funny, and further set the pioneer mood by acting out “Little House on the Prairie” scenes. (I admit she does a hilarious Mr. Edwards–and her Half Pint? Dead on!) I diagnosed the Space Fatigue just in time, and QuickQuip Queen II thought we should invite some Limbo residents into “continuity” for a party. We’ve had wonderful guest-stars–whatever they are–in our ship. The cutest men are in Limbo! There are a couple of Hawmen I’m trying to get back into my quarters, not to mention this hunk named Geo-Force (and this one’s ROYALTY!!) I also….. WHO WAS THAT?! I sensed the ultimate of ultimates… .Brin? Timber Wolf? This I gotta check out! Anyone named Wolf is something I need to see for myself!
Saturn Queen, suddenly my headache is fading….
Even though not a full member yet, Lurking Queen threw open the doors to headquarters making a dramatic entrance even Norma Desmond would have appreciated. She rallied the Queens in the Pedicure Room and demanded that a rescue mission be sent into Limbo to save Saturn Queen’s team. Even Insect Queen jumped to attention even though only three of her eight legs had been coated in Molly Ringwald Pretty in Pink nail Polish. That’s what I call bravery! She reverted to humanoid form, and wouldn’t ya know, both of her feet were pearly pink. That’s a girl who thinks ahead! Lurking Queen explained her theory about Drama Queen broadcasting her thoughts into our heads, which made me feel a lot better, because I had dozed off in my pedicure chair and had the worst dream about two science police officers named Cagney and Lacey who had arrested the Queen Team and tied them to stakes on Walton Mountain. A short African American man kept interrogating us by asking “Whatchu talkin bout, Willis?”–although clearly, none of us was named Willis. Just as a beautiful man with a big mustache named Magnum was about to rescue us, Lurking Queen burst in and woke me up.
With Lurkning Queen’s explanation satisfying everyone, Queen of Denail offered to use her powers to help us all forget the horrible dreams. With a flick of her wrist, and a small pretty fireworks display, Queen of Denial cast her spell over us and the dreams forgotten. That altruistic decision was enough for me to nominate Queen of Denial for full membership. We threw up our hands faster than if we were at a rave, and Cleo was one of us. She graciously accepted and bowed before us. Now there’s a girl with class!
Lurking Queen went on to describe her ability to open portals into limbo, and we followed her to our ship, Priscilla. We boarded, and Calorie Queen, now having forgotten she wanted to shove me into limbo, offered to drive with a smile on her face. I was ecstatic that everything was back to normal! We were one big happy family again with the prospect of some new sisters on the way. I decided after this mission we would all have to sit down together and work out a new bathroom schedule. Lurking Queen turned out to be quite a charmer. She admitted to having a crush on Lyle Norg during the long flight, and who could blame her? I admitted that I had once put one of his black headbands that he had left in the weight room under my pillow at night. We both shared a good laugh after that. Then she demanded I give it to her when we got back! I was about to suggest we call her Stalking Queen until she volunteered to pull all monitor duty shifts. Now there’s a girl who likes to people watch!
Quickie Queen was entertaining us with her ability to shape animals with her pantyhose, when Lurking Queen announced, “We’re at Limbo.”
You wouldn’t believe it, but this room full of Queens stood silent. There was something ominous about approaching Limbo. Even without words, we all somehow knew, once entering…. we might never return. No matter how long or how loud others might demand our return, we knew we had no power to control the ability to ever leave.
Insect Queen and Calorie Queen were exceptionally quiet. Cal looked back at us with tears in her eyes and admitted that she and Lana had been trapped there themselves. But, then, she stood tall, wolfed down seven orders of Taco Bell (bags and all) and focused our attention! Now there’s a girl with backbone (no offense, Insect Queen!)
Lurking Queen opened the hatch to Priscilla and began waving her arms around in a brisk geometric vogue pattern. Her whole body began to radiate and millions of tiny glowing snowflakes whirled around her. Space folded open. Holding hands, we bravely entered Limbo………
I sense you nearby, but I hate to tell you………you’re in the wrong Limbo! We consulted with our star-charts, and you seem to have blipped into the Marvel Universe Limbo. The barrier is weak between that Limbo and ours, so with some help you may be able to penetrate. Quick Quip Queen suggests getting aid from the New Warriors since they’ll be trapped there a long time.
Much to our dismay, this Stone Boy we had in cargo bay vanished. We’ve searched the ship and fear the worst. He knows all our beauty secrets now! I’m particularly embarrassed that he walked in during my blue raspberry Mr. Misty facial that Dairy Queen concocted…. not to mention the Hot Fudge remedy for my nuts. I hope this doesn’t come back to haunt us in a few months of our own comic, or into an obscure mini-series plot.
I telepathically scanned your memo, Queen Bee, and Drama Queen swears she didn’t put those mental images into your head via my telepathy. Lately she’s been acting out “Upstairs, Downstairs” and “Rich Man, Poor Man”….. is there a fiendish villian luring you all away from Earth? Is that why you’re in Marvel Limbo? And did you know that Drama Queen does a great Nick Nolte impersonation?
….the plot thickens! I sense someone else should write part three!
Saturn Queen (feeling like she’s playing the DC Challenge!)
Ok, is this working now? Can you hear me? you know if someone had told me you’re supposed to stick a telepathic plug in your ear, it would have saved me a lot of time, embarassment, and discomfort. ok, there wan’t much discomfort, but anyway, here’s my report. Finding ourselves in the strange Marvel limbo, we quickly rounded up some of the locals to help explain our situation. A guy named Mr. Fantastic (I didn’t think he seemed too fantastic until I learned about his elastic powers, but that’s another story) explained that the Fantastic Four and the Avengers were shunted into Limbo for what may be a year while an alternate pocket reality played out different versions of their earlier adventures and at the end of the year either that pocket reality will continue, merge with the other reality, or vanish. He also told us that some characters, like the Hulk (obviously a Monstress knock off) and some villians were in both realities. Bloody Nass! I’m glad our continuity doesn’t have problems like that. He said he was hoping to keep the alternate Invisible Girl because for some reason she has larger breasts. Some blonde woman smacked him and said, “Well the alternate Reed is younger and cuter!”
While they bickered I met and fell in love at first sight with an ally of the FF called Antman. (No, not the two-timer Pym, who was there with some insect tart called the Wasp. Apparently he’ll jump into bed with anything with wings.) The new Antman was handsome, smart, nice and we had complimentary powers and hair color. But then he told me his name, Scott LANG. “Lang,” I sobbed. “Then you and I might be related. MY last name is Lang.” I ran off (at over 200 mph with the proportional speed of an ant) and vowed to finally discover my origin. Between this heartbreak and my si… er…. I mean secret (I hope Cleo’s whammy worked!), my life is in total turmoil. The truth is out there and I will find it, even if i have to join the FBI and become A Fed Aphid. During my tragedy, Quicky Queen ran off for about 8 seconds with a guy named Northstar. I don’t know what they did, but Northstar came back smoking a cigarette and I think Quicky’s hose were on backwards.
We soon discovered the reason we shifted into wrong Limbos. It turns out Mr. Fantastic created a device that would attract extradimensional portals in the hopes of returning to their angst-ridden, mutant-filled reality. Why anyone would want to go there is beyond me. Mr. Fantastic suggested we pool our resources so that we might fine tune the device so that it would allow us into the other limbo. Calorie Queen, who was munching on a shield and hammer she’d won in arm wrestling matches, stopped eating long enough to say, “Hey, my father is a scientist and I grew up in labs. Maybe my scientific know-how could help.” Reed explained the device they cobbled together from Iron Man’s armor. “I see the problem.” as she looked at the device. Then, she swallowed it. “Problem solved,” she said. “Let’s go.” The Marvels were a bit angry about Cal’s solution and attacked. I battled another shape-shifter like me except that his name was Ursa Major and he turns into a hunky bear. I fell in love at first sight (again) and told him we didn’t need to fight. He could just come with me to my world, but he said he had to stay loyal to Mother Russia, whoever she is. Just my luck! Another guy with an Oedipus Complex. Queen Bee fended off the advances of Dr. Pym. How typical of Hank “watch me grow” Pym. Calorie Queen did most of the fighting. Something about the hammer and shield she ate made her stronger than ever. After a quick discussion with Queen of Denial, the Marvels were convinced that they didn’t want to go back to their reality and play second fiddle to a bunch of freaks anyway. Cleo is soooooo useful. Lurking Queen is doing her dance so we really should be in the other limbo faster that Quicky Queen can say, “Ummm, yeah, I’ll call you. Really. Ummmm. goodbye.”
Insect Queen,signing off
Recorded on Priscilla’s black box:
Insect Queen: …this is Insect Queen signing off. Grife, I finally got the hang of those stupid telepathic plugs. You don’t know what trouble I’ve had with them! Now come here Razorback and let’s see what kind of pig you can be…. oh you’re incorrigible! If the other girls knew what I was doing in your truck, I’d never hear the end of it. Ouch! now, now. None of that. No marks.
Queen Bee: We can still hear you.
IQ: Wha..? Did you hear that? Who said that? I’m telling you I just heard someone say, “We can…”
QB: You still have your plug on.
IQ: What? oh, grife. Ummm…. yes, I know. I was just checking to see if it would work. Ummm….. through the walls of this truck. Quick, put that stupid costume back on…. I don’t care if you’re still horny…..
QB: We can still hear you. Now stop hiding in that truck. We have to go.
IQ: Coming! No, not like that, you nass-head. No wonder you’re in Limbo. And to think I used to date Superboy.
QB: ::sigh:: We can still…
IQ: GRIFE! HOW DO YOU TURN THIS THING OFF?!!!
Quicky Queen: And they call ME fast.
IQ: I heard that, Quicky Queen! And if you thi….” :::static crackle:::
Lurking Queen: Is she always such a mess?
QB: I’m afraid so, but she’s jolly and we like her.
IQ:….might lose my bio-ring if I…. What? Hello? hello. Is this thing working? Ouch! I told you to stop that! Get your nose out of m….