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Rude Talk

Dear Johnny,
Writing for advice is something I never thought I’d do. Looking back at all the crazy drama that’s happened in my life it was probably inevitable. Most kids have fun memories of summer camp, soccer, and girlfriends. You know life will be different when you realize your father is an arms dealer. Yeah. Things went downhill witnessing his murder and then being kidnapped and turned into a quake machine, and falling in with a bunch of spandexy people was like having a family again. A big family with a lot of weird stuff and adventures always happening. I met my best friend and fell a little in love with a girl and kissed her before she left and broke my heart. And then everyone I knew went their separate ways. You know, writer whims, editorial mandates, brooding angst and all that.

More crap happened and I lost the power that made me special. Thanks, witchiepoo! I fell in with some other misfits and eventually learned to accept being powerless. I even reconnected with the girl who broke my heart. She seemed to want to get close to me and I let her. We had sex and I thought things were good between us, but she ups and leaves me — tells me we’re done in a damn letter. So I said to hell with her.

One day my best friend reappears pretty much out of nowhere. It was during a mission — you know how crazy things can get! Seeing him was a freakin’ surprise, but not as much as what came next! He kissed me! This big, intense, “I’m so happy to see you because I thought you were gone forever and you won’t get away now” kind of kiss! Funny how news about that made it all over the world! Things’ve been going great between Star and me. He’s incredibly passionate and the sex is wild! He’s got one habit of being with other people…something about being overwhelmed with feelings. See, he grew up in a — place that was — the people there were really f’ed up. It’s like he’s an alcoholic at a free bar. He says he wants me to be his emotional anchor. It’s kind of — I don’t know…did I say how great our sex life is? Yeah.

A few nights ago Star was being a frisky tease and and just when he started to get serious the woman who left me twice opens our door and got a big shock when she saw us half naked and Star’s arm around me. She had her own surprise — she’s pregnant! She started yelling and accusing him of stuff right before going berserk and attacking him. She’s not your average woman, so believe me when I say she can get really feral! She pushed him out the second story window and kept attacking him. I finally got her to stop and listen to me. Then I asked her if I’m the baby’s father, and she told me she didn’t have sex with another guy before she left the last time. So it’s still a shock that I’m going to be a father. I mean, I’m young and — never thought I’d say this — in love with Star. I don’t have any friends outside of work and there aren’t a lot of bi guys in my field. At least not many who fess up to it. Sure, there’re tons of posts on Craigs List looking for sex on the DL, but there’s no one else I can turn to about this whole thing. Maybe I could be a good father but I don’t have a clue how fit being a father in with Star and keep the not really girl friend happy enough not to kill him. She could. Plus, there’s a girl — well, she was a girl when I first met her but now she’s a little older than me — it’s complicated. Anyway, Layla says she thinks something isn’t right. She won’t say what it is, just that she “knows stuff”. Annoying as that is — and it is — she does. Know stuff.

What do I do, Johnny?

Ruminating Internally Confused

Sounds like you just caught a break in life after a long run of crap, RIC. Good for you. Now stop whining before you fall back into the drama queen role just because of a couple new bumps in your life. True, the number of gay and bi guys in relationships in our circle is few, but probably more than you realize. I hear you about DL guys, RIC! Let me tell you it’s happening other times too. More than once during my years of adventuring a villain knocked me out only to try to take advantage to see if I lived up to my codename Lucky 8. That’s when I’d blast them strong and hard. Except for one time Fluffer and I were punching it out.

There was a time when the majority of gay guys were like your BF, RIC. A different guy every week, if not every night. Not that I’m against monogamy I’ve been happily monogamous with my BF, AKA the man I’d marry if it were legal. The thing is, every relationship takes honesty, respect, and communication. Your BF sounds like he’s “triple G” for you, to borrow a phrase from another advice columnist. What you need to do first is decide what’s acceptable for you and how willing you are to be “triple G” for him and then you need to talk it over with him without making him feel defensive. Grab life by its big balls, RIC!

And maybe the BF needs a new nickname. “Star”?

Now about being a father… You wouldn’t be ready to be a father even if it the pregnancy was planned. No one’s ever ready to be a father the first time. Talk to some other dads for advice. Yeah, yeah, not so many dads in our profession, right? Make the effort. You can’t ditch the kid if your the dad and a baby is going to impact all that sweaty sex you have. There’ll be times when you’ve cleaned up so much snot and vomit that you don’t want to see another bodily fluid and that’s the only thing on the BF’s mind. You’ll work it out and if he’s all you say he is, he’ll help out. Of course, you’ll have to share parental duties with the dear mom who sounds like she wants things on her terms all the time. Be honest and stand your ground.

Speaking of honesty, you should insist on a paternity test. I think this woman who “knows stuff” suspects your “not really girlfriend” may not be telling the truth and someone else may be the baby’s father. True, this “knowing stuff” attitude has to be irritating and condescending at times, but it doesn’t mean she isn’t right, only that she likes to act this way. You’ve been dumped twice without warning so you’ve a right to be certain. For all you know she conceived immaculately. Improbable yes, but there are instances of it happening to women in our line of work. You’ll want a lawyer if things get out of hand. I hear that Murdoch guy and his associates are all wrapped up in something that sounds bad, so think about consulting one out of town. I hear Kate Spencer is looking for new work and she was one hell of a DA. Now get busy!

Till next time!

Johnny Rude

September 8, 2010
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